What should have happened, and what did happen - A study in opposites. And freakishness.

I'm very much of the opinion that if you find yourself in a position where you have to do something fun and cheerful like IVF, it really should just go to plan. Yes, yes, it's all very funny for the cosmos to have it's little jokes every now and again and I'm usually up for it, I am, but there really should be a veto on being funny during IVF. I don't think it's an appropriate time to issue a karmic kick up the ass personally. AND, I really don't think I've done that much shopping when I wasn't allowed to. Not really. OK, well, maybe, but I'm still in favour of a veto on retribution during IVF.

What was supposed to happen:

18th March - Start daily Buserelin injections (Yes, it's lovely injecting yourself, thanks. I don't recommend hitting blood vessels though - it's messy, it hurts like the dickens and it bruises something wicked. Nevermind the complete ridiculousness of having no precision aim whatsoever, and yet managing to hit a teeny tiny blood vessel with an incy wincy needle. More than once.). The purpose of the Buserelin is to down regulate my natural hormones (turn them off). Down regulation is confirmed by a 'baseline' blood test after about 2 weeks.

31st March - Down regulation blood test. (You're expected to have your period by now - it's a good sign because it 'confirms' ovulation if you have a regular cycle, and suggests down regulation is going completely to plan.)

3rd April - Start daily Puregon (or Gonal F if you're familiar with yon IVF druggies) injections (this is as well as Buserelin injections - you have to keep those going to keep your natural hormones out of it). The purpose of Puregon is to stimulate follicle (and in theory, egg) growth and gets everything ready for egg collection (the bit where they use a reeeeeally big needle to do things best not thought about in places that would turn your hair white).

Egg collection is about another 2 - 3 weeks on from there.

So, that's what was supposed to happen.

It's about a four week haul, all in all, with the drugs and the rest of it. But, whether you think you can, or not, you can stand most things if you know it's for a finite period of time, so that keeps you going - knowing that with every needle that goes in the sharps waste container, you're a day closer, there's one more injection done, one less injection to do, one less day of feeling completely horrible, and you're getting there. You grit your teeth and you do it.

What did happen:

Not the above, that's for damn sure.

I made it to 31st March feeling good. The first week of drugs was horrible, but I was feeling human again. I was feeling pretty good really if I'm honest (little did I know that I was feeling good because it wasn't blimmin working). I thought I was very clever. I also had my period (I know, I'm sorry, you don't want to know, but it's important to understanding the freakishness) - remember how that was a good sign? Hmmmpf.

On that feeling of confidence, I went for my scheduled down regulation blood test.

And the result showed I had failed to down regulate.

Peachy.

The conversation with the clinic went something like this:

Me "Hi, it's Simonne. I'm ringing in for my down regulation blood test result."

Nurse "Here we are ... (silence) ... Ahhh ... (more silence) ... You haven't down regulated."

Me "What? What? Ug!"

Nurse "You'll have to come in so we can do a scan and find out why. You might have a follicle growing." (Note to those of you who have no idea of the sinister implications of this suggestion - you DO NOT WANT TO HAVE FOLLICLES GROWING WHILE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOWN REGULATING. Just so you know)

Me "(Sigh) It couldn't just be simple, could it?"

Nurse "I'm sorry dear. Sometimes it just isn't." (That about sums it up, if you ask me)

Nurse "You won't have had a period, will you?"

Me "Yes! Yes I have!!" (Ha ha! Clever me!! Everything must be ok after all!!)

Nurse "Ahhhmmm ...?" (Which I now know, roughly translated, means - What the?? That's not normal. This girl is a freak.)

And from there it was just a confirming of appointments, and a very bad word said very loudly by me when I hung up the phone. (I'm allowed bad words during IVF, lots of them - I gave myself permission (you should've heard the one I used the other day when I stabbed myself a bit wrong with my Buserelin. The husbad was cooking dinner and dropped the frypan) - just probably not as loud in the office.)

The scan, of course, showed that I had not one, but four follicles growing. One big one, three small ones.

Not good news, and not conducive to progressing the cycle. How I managed it (the follicles) is still a mystery to everyone (I told you - freakishness).

What seems to have happened is a mass of contradictions - I appear to have ovulated normally and had a period, but I've continued (or started, or both) growing other follicles and not ovulated those, thus causing me to fail to down regulate, which is a bit of a quizzer since I did have a period, thus suggesting down regulation. The big ol' follicles sitting there suggest that I didn't ovulate after all, and yet that also doesn't explain the period. Much head scratching went on in the clinic that day, I can assure you.

Regardless of the how and the why of it though, the end result is the same - follicles are evil and we had to start over.

To get things back on track, they gave me a 'trigger' injection (flooded me with hormones) so I would ovulate and get rid of those follicles, and I kept taking the Buserelin continuously to try and stop any funny business happening this time. We hope.

The next down regulation blood test is the 15th and we're keeping everything crossed that it works because I don't know how many chances you get to get off the starting blocks before they pull the proverbial plug. I also don't much like the thought of taking the Buserelin for longer than I have to. That stuff makes you feel yuck-ky. On the flip side, I'm hoping that feeling yuck-ky is a good sign.

But, if nothing else, the set-back is a timely reminder that nothing here is guaranteed. We've got this chance by the grace of modern science, and it doesn't pay to forget or ignore that things can go wrong at any point. IVF gives couples hope when there's none, or so little there may as well be none, and it really is so important to remember that all you're being given is a chance.

In the meantime, I've adopted 2 basic rules for getting through IVF:

1. Stop. Breathe.

2. Do not google "IVF pregnancy risks". You know what they are so stop googling. Google is not your friend.