I couldn't think of a single thing to say, so I'm taking the day off.
I have jury duty next week too, so my posts will be a bit all over the place. It probably wouldn't actually hurt to take the week off blogging, thinking about it. I'll see how I go. Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me ... my stress levels are reaching new heights at the moment, so I may need to go to ground for a few days. Feel free though to keep things crossed that I managed to make a successful application to the Judge on Monday to get off jury service - this is absolutely the last thing I need right at the moment, and there is no way I'm in the right mind to deal with it.
Do have a good weekend - I'm really looking forward to mine, and I have big plans to rediscover my feet, and plant them firmly back under myself again!
Friday, 29 June 2007
Thursday, 28 June 2007
When you've waited so long
I'm having one of those weeks. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Work has been tough, life has been tough. Being in that state of mind leaves you open to thinking about and dwelling on things you shouldn't.
Something that bothers me immensely in relation to having a baby, and has done for some time, is what happens if I have been through so much and waited so long that I won't want the baby if we manage to have one?
What happens if wanting the baby so much is because we can't have one?
What happens if actually getting the baby is going to be the point where I say Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did this have to be so hard for us? Why did we have to suffer so much to get this baby?
I worry that I'm going to look at that child, and equate it to everything we've been through. The ups and terrible, more frequent downs. I worry that this will somehow never be over, even when it is ... if you follow what I mean.
This is one of my biggest fears because I don't have any problem imagining it happening. That possibility is so awful.
Then again, on the flip side, a couple of days ago my little neighbour made a green playdough Jess dog and in moments like that, it reminds me what this is all about and keeps me going.
Something that bothers me immensely in relation to having a baby, and has done for some time, is what happens if I have been through so much and waited so long that I won't want the baby if we manage to have one?
What happens if wanting the baby so much is because we can't have one?
What happens if actually getting the baby is going to be the point where I say Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did this have to be so hard for us? Why did we have to suffer so much to get this baby?
I worry that I'm going to look at that child, and equate it to everything we've been through. The ups and terrible, more frequent downs. I worry that this will somehow never be over, even when it is ... if you follow what I mean.
This is one of my biggest fears because I don't have any problem imagining it happening. That possibility is so awful.
Then again, on the flip side, a couple of days ago my little neighbour made a green playdough Jess dog and in moments like that, it reminds me what this is all about and keeps me going.
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Work and IVF
I am in the very fortunate position (well, in the relative scheme of things) where I have been able to be very open with work about what I am going through at the moment, and what is coming up in relation to IVF. When I went to see Dr. G the other week, the guys I work with knew where I was going, and so when I came back a couple of hours late, they didn't question it. Because they are the sort of people they are, and because I have been so open, I felt comfortable to blow work off for a couple of hours after the appointment when I just needed some time to clear my head. Work knows that when it comes down to work and fertility treatment, work comes second. Every time.
But, it's got me thinking about other people who are not so open with friends and family, and especially not able to be open at work about what they are going through, and how they cope. The thing with IVF is that it's not something you can take care of in your off hours for the most part. There are blood tests for example which must be done at a particular lab (eg. for F+ these must be done at the F+ Clinic at National Women's) and at a particular time (by 9am for FA. I presume it's the same for F+) ... you can't just head into the lab around the corner from home, or work, at lunchtime or home time or whatever. You will need scans too, and there is, of course, egg retrieval or embryo replacement which, admittedly, you can take a few days off for. But, what if you're like me and you have to be in the office for end of month for example? If you're not, you'd best be dying. What if egg retrieval falls at the end of the month? You don't get to choose dates for egg retrieval and replacement, or what time of the day they happen. This business is timed to the hour, and you do whatever you're told.
Bearing in mind that there are only so many dentist or doctor appointments, or deaths in the family one can have in any one month (and if old auntie Mable conveniently pops her clogs to coincide with your egg retrieval, you'd better hope she doesn't do it again a few weeks later for real) ... what do other people do?
But, it's got me thinking about other people who are not so open with friends and family, and especially not able to be open at work about what they are going through, and how they cope. The thing with IVF is that it's not something you can take care of in your off hours for the most part. There are blood tests for example which must be done at a particular lab (eg. for F+ these must be done at the F+ Clinic at National Women's) and at a particular time (by 9am for FA. I presume it's the same for F+) ... you can't just head into the lab around the corner from home, or work, at lunchtime or home time or whatever. You will need scans too, and there is, of course, egg retrieval or embryo replacement which, admittedly, you can take a few days off for. But, what if you're like me and you have to be in the office for end of month for example? If you're not, you'd best be dying. What if egg retrieval falls at the end of the month? You don't get to choose dates for egg retrieval and replacement, or what time of the day they happen. This business is timed to the hour, and you do whatever you're told.
Bearing in mind that there are only so many dentist or doctor appointments, or deaths in the family one can have in any one month (and if old auntie Mable conveniently pops her clogs to coincide with your egg retrieval, you'd better hope she doesn't do it again a few weeks later for real) ... what do other people do?
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Going Herbal
As far as cynics go, I'm pretty much dedicated to the cause when it comes to herbal health stuff.
A life member of the herbal-remedies-are-a-load-of-horse-shite society all in all.
But, I am going to try Chinese herbs.
I have a little time up my sleeve, and if there is something I can do which might mean that my uterus is the happiest little uterus in the world pre-IVF, and therefore eminently more cheerful about being the recipient of 1x ICSI embryo, then I'll order a double. Considering what this IVF cycle is going to mean in terms of what my body will be put through over the course of the cycle, swallowing a few Chinese herbs isn't really that drastic.
So, I have word of an extremely good Chinese herbalist, and I'm going to drag Al off as well. We'll have to plan a weekend when he's not working and head down to Palmerston North where she is based. Imagine if we didn't have to do IVF at all? I know, that's pie in the sky, but even if it's enough to ensure that the cycle works, then I'll give it a go.
As someone said to us at the weekend, as they showed us their 8 year old child, fast asleep in the most uncomfortable looking position I've ever seen, blankets kicked off all over the place, snoring away, that's what it's all about.
As a side thing (sort of), Tertia posted the other day that research has shown that infertility patients are second only to cancer patients in what they will endure to find healing / to have a child. That staggers me, and yet doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
A life member of the herbal-remedies-are-a-load-of-horse-shite society all in all.
But, I am going to try Chinese herbs.
I have a little time up my sleeve, and if there is something I can do which might mean that my uterus is the happiest little uterus in the world pre-IVF, and therefore eminently more cheerful about being the recipient of 1x ICSI embryo, then I'll order a double. Considering what this IVF cycle is going to mean in terms of what my body will be put through over the course of the cycle, swallowing a few Chinese herbs isn't really that drastic.
So, I have word of an extremely good Chinese herbalist, and I'm going to drag Al off as well. We'll have to plan a weekend when he's not working and head down to Palmerston North where she is based. Imagine if we didn't have to do IVF at all? I know, that's pie in the sky, but even if it's enough to ensure that the cycle works, then I'll give it a go.
As someone said to us at the weekend, as they showed us their 8 year old child, fast asleep in the most uncomfortable looking position I've ever seen, blankets kicked off all over the place, snoring away, that's what it's all about.
As a side thing (sort of), Tertia posted the other day that research has shown that infertility patients are second only to cancer patients in what they will endure to find healing / to have a child. That staggers me, and yet doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
Monday, 25 June 2007
Apparently I omitted an important details about the boots
The husband commented over the weekend that I missed out a rather important detail in relation to my shiny new steel cap boots on Friday. At least, they were shiny and new until I had to use one (with foot encased obviously) to lever a roll of Butynol out of the low racking on Friday. Now they're a bit dirty and scratched. I'm inclined to want to give them a polish and buff the scratches out, but I'm just not sure if it's wrong to have shiny steel caps.
Anyway! The important detail about the boots is that they're not just any old John Bull run of the mill black/brown ankle length steel caps with elastic on the sides to help you get your damn foot in. Oh no. These are my steel caps we're talking about. The Gods were smiling on me the day I walked into NZ Safety to buy my steel caps.
What I have are a pair of mid-calf, caramel leather, cowboy boots (which cost the company a fortune I might add, but that's their problem. In my infinite wisdom I put it on account instead of expenses too so they can't squeak about it either). Full leather too, none of this elastic stuff. Seriously. They even have a little cowboy hat imprinted in the leather on the side. They're very cool steel caps, if I do say so myself, and very comfy and light. It concerns me a little that they're actually blokes steel caps, because I don't think any man in his right mind should wear steel caps like these, but there you go. Perhaps if he was auditioning for the next Village People ... but otherwise, no.
So, there you go. Important detail left out no longer. The husband can now relax.
In relation to the car, I'm still waiting. They now think that it might be ready by Tuesday. I was told for the third time on Friday, definitely by close of business that day, but I turned up to find my car on a hoist with 5 mechanics scratching their heads and running around in circles. It seems that in the process of fitting the cam belt, they busted the radiator hose. It was supposed to be fixed by Saturday morning, but between Friday night and Saturday morning, they busted something else, so it's not. Joy.
Anyway! The important detail about the boots is that they're not just any old John Bull run of the mill black/brown ankle length steel caps with elastic on the sides to help you get your damn foot in. Oh no. These are my steel caps we're talking about. The Gods were smiling on me the day I walked into NZ Safety to buy my steel caps.
What I have are a pair of mid-calf, caramel leather, cowboy boots (which cost the company a fortune I might add, but that's their problem. In my infinite wisdom I put it on account instead of expenses too so they can't squeak about it either). Full leather too, none of this elastic stuff. Seriously. They even have a little cowboy hat imprinted in the leather on the side. They're very cool steel caps, if I do say so myself, and very comfy and light. It concerns me a little that they're actually blokes steel caps, because I don't think any man in his right mind should wear steel caps like these, but there you go. Perhaps if he was auditioning for the next Village People ... but otherwise, no.
So, there you go. Important detail left out no longer. The husband can now relax.
In relation to the car, I'm still waiting. They now think that it might be ready by Tuesday. I was told for the third time on Friday, definitely by close of business that day, but I turned up to find my car on a hoist with 5 mechanics scratching their heads and running around in circles. It seems that in the process of fitting the cam belt, they busted the radiator hose. It was supposed to be fixed by Saturday morning, but between Friday night and Saturday morning, they busted something else, so it's not. Joy.
Friday, 22 June 2007
Apparently I REALLY shouldn't have said ...
That I'd be able to pick my car up yesterday afternoon.
I'm not feeling good that I put my car in for a service Wednesday, and it's now Friday. I'm really not feeling good that they hope it'll be ready for me to pick up today. Apparently they've encountered problems (other than me wanting my car back) ... and I've encountered a rather nasty feeling that this is going to be expensive.
Did I mention that the courtesy car they gave me is brand spankers off the lot? Not bad eh? Only 2000 kms on the clock. It's a bit gutless though, so I'll be glad to get my VW back. As I was driving home on Tuesday night (after dropping my car off, so they could get into it first thing Wednesday ... it was only supposed take half a day) I attempted to go up a slight incline in the road at 50km p/h ... and the poor wee car sort of wheezed out something along the lines of "You want me to do what? At what speed?" and I found myself leaning forward in the seat in an effort to help it get up the road. Plus it's red, so it clashes with my hair something awful. I think the car company's plan is that they give you a brand new car and you might be interested in buying one. Not likely.
And on that note, I have work to do - my storeman hasn't turned up to work again. No doubt that cracking noise he's hearing at the moment is the thin ice he's been skating on giving way. I'm not sure that he has clicked onto the fact that my word is enough to have him out the door. Still, there's a bright side to everything - at least I get to break in the brand new steel caps that the company had to provide me with because I keep having to work in the warehouse (and because I dropped a 35kg roll of butynol rubber on my foot the other day).
Happy Friday pals of mine!
I'm not feeling good that I put my car in for a service Wednesday, and it's now Friday. I'm really not feeling good that they hope it'll be ready for me to pick up today. Apparently they've encountered problems (other than me wanting my car back) ... and I've encountered a rather nasty feeling that this is going to be expensive.
Did I mention that the courtesy car they gave me is brand spankers off the lot? Not bad eh? Only 2000 kms on the clock. It's a bit gutless though, so I'll be glad to get my VW back. As I was driving home on Tuesday night (after dropping my car off, so they could get into it first thing Wednesday ... it was only supposed take half a day) I attempted to go up a slight incline in the road at 50km p/h ... and the poor wee car sort of wheezed out something along the lines of "You want me to do what? At what speed?" and I found myself leaning forward in the seat in an effort to help it get up the road. Plus it's red, so it clashes with my hair something awful. I think the car company's plan is that they give you a brand new car and you might be interested in buying one. Not likely.
And on that note, I have work to do - my storeman hasn't turned up to work again. No doubt that cracking noise he's hearing at the moment is the thin ice he's been skating on giving way. I'm not sure that he has clicked onto the fact that my word is enough to have him out the door. Still, there's a bright side to everything - at least I get to break in the brand new steel caps that the company had to provide me with because I keep having to work in the warehouse (and because I dropped a 35kg roll of butynol rubber on my foot the other day).
Happy Friday pals of mine!
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Apparently I shouldn't have said ...
"Yeah, it's freezing, but at least it's not raining" quite so many times in the lead up to yesterday.
But, on the bright side, I've had two random bills from the IRD totalling $250.00 over the last couple of days. Isn't that nice of them? I love getting random, completely unexpected bills for large amounts of money. Well, large enough anyway considering how much money has been flying out the door of late on very uninteresting (ergo not shopping) things. Al and I worked out that we've spent close to $15,000.00 this year, just in stuff crapping out (eg. washing machine, his car) and random things going wrong (eg. my central locking fritzing, my cell phone being stolen). That's not a bad run of completely shite luck really, isn't it? I'm not sure if he counted the FA bills or not, but all in all, I can't say I really want to know.
Plus, this afternoon I get to pick my car up post-service and installation of brand spanking new cam belt (and hopefully sans new water pump and crank shaft, whatever that is).
Still, I am being really good with my budget, and I'm watching any unnecessary spending ... learning to behave with my VISA (I'm almost waiting for a call from the VISA people to check that my card hasn't been lost or stolen because it's barely been used of late ...). There was that impulse buy of a bag of lollies the other night which was $1.50 ... but in my defence, I had a sugar craving. Also if you look at it in the context of Nikki (fellow reforming rampant consumerist) bought a sewing machine, my bag of lollies doesn't seem quite so bad. Weeellll ... I suppose there was the cell phone, but I'd just finished a successful run of selling things on Trademe which paid for it. Almost. I just had to donate a little bit extra to the cause. (It's very important not to completely let your spending-justification skills go)
I'll confess to going out at the weekend with the firm intention of buying a new pair of jeans though. I had big plans to be a budget-bad-ass. But, in the end, I got all the way to Newmarket and I couldn't bring myself to spend the money. I also need a haircut, but the only place I'll go is Toni & Guy, and since that'll cost a quick hundy, I'm resisting the urge.
Not bad for a semi-reformed Ginger hmmm?
Have a nice Thursday.!
But, on the bright side, I've had two random bills from the IRD totalling $250.00 over the last couple of days. Isn't that nice of them? I love getting random, completely unexpected bills for large amounts of money. Well, large enough anyway considering how much money has been flying out the door of late on very uninteresting (ergo not shopping) things. Al and I worked out that we've spent close to $15,000.00 this year, just in stuff crapping out (eg. washing machine, his car) and random things going wrong (eg. my central locking fritzing, my cell phone being stolen). That's not a bad run of completely shite luck really, isn't it? I'm not sure if he counted the FA bills or not, but all in all, I can't say I really want to know.
Plus, this afternoon I get to pick my car up post-service and installation of brand spanking new cam belt (and hopefully sans new water pump and crank shaft, whatever that is).
Still, I am being really good with my budget, and I'm watching any unnecessary spending ... learning to behave with my VISA (I'm almost waiting for a call from the VISA people to check that my card hasn't been lost or stolen because it's barely been used of late ...). There was that impulse buy of a bag of lollies the other night which was $1.50 ... but in my defence, I had a sugar craving. Also if you look at it in the context of Nikki (fellow reforming rampant consumerist) bought a sewing machine, my bag of lollies doesn't seem quite so bad. Weeellll ... I suppose there was the cell phone, but I'd just finished a successful run of selling things on Trademe which paid for it. Almost. I just had to donate a little bit extra to the cause. (It's very important not to completely let your spending-justification skills go)
I'll confess to going out at the weekend with the firm intention of buying a new pair of jeans though. I had big plans to be a budget-bad-ass. But, in the end, I got all the way to Newmarket and I couldn't bring myself to spend the money. I also need a haircut, but the only place I'll go is Toni & Guy, and since that'll cost a quick hundy, I'm resisting the urge.
Not bad for a semi-reformed Ginger hmmm?
Have a nice Thursday.!
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