Bat Country

My second down regulation blood test is tomorrow.

For the last several days as it's drawn closer I've been positive and negative in equal turns, hoping that this time everything is ok, yet scared that it will be because of what comes next.

In general I feel sick, and tired, restless and unfocused, sad sometimes, fine others, and angry every now and again, and the headaches are a bunch of fun too. My insides are cramping constantly and horribly in reaction to the drugs which are making them do the opposite to what they want to do, I have bruises on my stomach from the injections and a big lump on one side which aches and hurts - just a deep bruise, but still, there are more to come and it's hard doing it to yourself. It's a nasty business that I'd like very much to be overwith, so we can move on, hopefully, one way or the other at the end of it. But, in the short term, for now, as long as tomorrow goes ok, it's enough because we'll be getting somewhere for the moment. We won't be getting anywhere nice, but it'll be progress at least.

It was the hardest thing turning around and starting over when the last down regulation failed. I don't think I could describe to you the fear that this could just be the beginning of all the things that could go wrong, and that sinking realisation that no, things are not necessarily going to be ok. I really don't want to have to do it again.

Knowing that you're facing down one of the biggest challenges of your life and you're not doing to be the same person at the end of it, because you can't be - I can see why some people go into hiding until it's over. Keeping any sense of normality about you is ... well. You've got to set your mind to it, that's for sure.

I thought I might know how it may be doing this, but, like so many things, experiencing them is a bit of a kick in your naive little pants. Still, better a kick at the beginning than a kick at the end, and with a little luck and a lot of breath-holding we've had our set back and this'll be over within the month.

If not, I'll be needing treats and I saw this fantastic hat at Karen Walker.

(It may also be justifiable as a reward, thinking about it ... Weee!)