It seems insane ... no, scrub that, it is insane ... but unfortunately necessary, for the husband and I to consider and talk about our plans for our family and what we intend vis a vis having another child. The instanity being affirmed as we consider and talk over the top of our newborn, while we're still very much in the "What on earth have we done??" phase of parenting. (Does that go away by the way? Or just evolve from stage to stage? Actually, no. Don't tell me. I don't want to know)
During my labour I provided my husband, my obstetrician and my midwife with a few comedy moments. One of said moments was, up to my eyeballs on pethidine and barely conscious, turning to my obstetrician and saying "I cannot believe I have to start thinking about contraception" (well, I couldn't (still can't), especially at the time, which is what led to my giving voice to said disbelief ... although it's probably one of those many, many times when I should have just thought something and covered it in a more appropriate setting).
Awesome.
My other stellar moment was, hanging over the side of the birthing pool, mid-contraction, yanking the gas thingy out of my mouth and announcing to the room "I really feel like a burger" and them promptly throwing up. Several times. Unfortunately, this wee moment was relatively early on (about 7 hours in) and bless them, they didn't let me forget it for the rest of the fun time that was my trying to give birth. I'm still really embarrassed about that one.
Anyway. I digress and the point is likely to be long winded and somewhat circular so I really should get on with it.
The essence of it all is the seemingly simple question of, what do we do? Except it's not simple. No matter which way you look at it, it's the exact opposite of simple. It's a great puddle of what ifs.
We want to have, and have always planned on having, two children. That's pre-IVF, and post, the intention hasn't changed. The thing is, how do we? And, everything else associated with that.
We have decided that we want Cuinn to be around 2 before we think about having another. Since I've had a c-section, we certainly can't (well, people do, against medical advice, but we're not going to) for a year anyway, and to be honest, Cuinn is 4 weeks old on Friday, essentially a month old, and the thought of starting down this track again in 11 months? Bugger off. We figure around 2 is a good age though - it gives my body time to recover for a start because a year off just does not seem enough after close to 12 months of IVF and pregnancy plus a c-section, but it also means Cuinn is more mobile and a bit more kid than baby, but it doesn't leave, we hope, an enormous age gap (plus it gives us time to forget about newborn chaos. I think forgetting will be important to the bravery required to do all this again).
We even worked out the approximate number of months if we were to get pregnant straight away that it would be between now and a new baby, and broke the obstetrician's fee down into monthly amounts and started saving. Now there is planning my friends. But there is absolutely no way no how I'd do another pregnancy or birth without Paul. In fact, laugh at me if you like, but I'll be making sure that when the time comes I see him for a pre-natal consultation and I'll be doing my damndest to fit in with his schedule.
Right. I did say this would be long winded and circular, did I not?
So, we established that yes, we still intend 2 children, and we think around 2 years before we start down that road.
What road though? IVF, or try for a natural pregnancy?
Because we had Cuinn successfully from our first publicly funded IVF cycle, we're not entitled to any further funding for fresh IVF cycles (replacement of any or all of the embryos we have frozen from the cycle we have done though is still funded though). Ergo, if we tried and failed to fall pregnant naturally, we have the frozen embryos to fall back on (Ew. Ew, ew, EW! I hate how that sounds), but if they failed which they most certainly could, we don't have another funded fresh IVF cycle up our sleeves, and let's face it, 10 thousand plus pingas for a fresh cycle is a whole lot of pingas on a single income (or effectively a single income, depending on what I do vis a vis working down the track).
Then of course, if we tried to fall pregnant naturally, how long do you give it? A year? Two? Three? and then if we turned back to IVF and the frozen embryos all failed leaving us to decide how we felt about a single child, or else fund a fresh IVF cycle? How old would I be then? Old enough that other potential complications will raise their heads, and the chance of success through another IVF cycle takes a dive. But, IVF is harder than a hard thing - emotionally, physically ... wouldn't it be lovely to just not do it? No medical team, no invasive procedures, no fear at every turn before you even have the pregnancy and baby to be fearful over? No physical side effects of IVF causing increased stress to my body during the first part of the pregnancy? Actually, I can't imagine it. It is, either fortunately or unfortunately, all we know.
But, if we did decided to try for a natural pregnancy, what of the embryos we have frozen? What of them? What of the little embryo that could who steamed up from behind to go from looking unviable to being almost at the head of the pack? What of those potential lives? We already know that we won't have them all. It is and will be a horrible decision to make, but potentially, we could be destroying up to 4 embryos. 5, if we became pregnant naturally. We absolutely will not, under any circumstances, donate them - either to another couple or for medical research. Absolutely not. That, at least, is cut and dried.
It goes around, and around, and around. No matter what decision we make too, we will question it. Maybe it would be easier to just throw contraception out the window after the year mark and see what happens (assuming nothing would, which is a spectacularly big and rather dangerous assumption), we could wait and then none of the frozen embryos might take ... do we hedge our bets? Do we not? Do we stay strong on what feels absolutely like the right decision because we're a bit afraid of the gamble? What, what, what?
Ultimately though, it is a decision that makes itself easily despite all of that and it feels absolutely right, all risks in any direction considered. The hard thing was that we had to talk about them, and we did have to consider them, very carefully. It's all very well and good to say yes, that's what we'll do, but you have to make sure you're both on the same page and you've both absolutely considered every angle and feel comfortable with the potential outcome. Or as comfortable as you're going to get because let's face it, if I felt entirely comfortable or it was a simple as sitting down and saying 'What do you think? Right. Sounds good. Let's do that' then obviously this wouldn't be one of the longest blog posts I've ever done.
It comes down to this though - we don't want to become pregnant naturally and create a new embryo/life while we have 5 embryos waiting, all of them viable, all of them day 5 blastocysts. We risk losing them all, yes. We potentially risk a gruelling ... what? Year and a half? ... however long it would take to replace and suffer 5 failures if that was to happen. It's not a pleasant thought, but then, if they were to die, at least they would die inside of me, the conscious decision to destroy wouldn't have to be made, we wouldn't have to sign anything to that effect, cut, dried and cold confirming that yes, we wished to have destroyed the embryos created at the same time as the child snoozing down the hallway who just happened to be the strongest embryo on the day when it came to that first embryo replacement. But, to create new life when there is life existing, to us, is wrong and we can only follow this path.
Ultimately, although we have what ifs up the wazoo, the outcome of our decision will be, in the end, what will be.
(Also, I didn't proof read this which would be the ideal scenario for such a long, windy (that's wiiiindy, as in road, as opposed to windy, as in the baby) post, so any bits that don't make sense ... good luck trying to work out what I was on about)
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