Don't worry, I'm OK!

I am. Quite seriously.

Yes, I was shattered last week after the appointment. But now? I feel strangely relieved. I'm tired but I feel as though I have a bit of time to get my feet back underneath me before the next round. It was the oddest sensation, this burden that I've carried for so long, suddenly being lifted off my shoulders, no longer something that I have any control over whatsoever. That waiting month after month, keeping track of all things TTC (trying to conceive) related? The hoping and the worry and the disappointment ... none of it matters now, because it won't make a difference. It's all down to science and technology now baby.

The only real concern I have at this point is that when my IVF cycle comes up, they might not let me take a photo of the big-ass egg retrieval needle to post on my blog. Small potatoes really. And, of course, the very real possibility that we might only ever have the one child. That's really sad, but, having said that, for a couple that can't have children on their own, that one child will be an incredible blessing.

You'll be wondering what we've decided about treatment?

We've decided we're going to wait, and use Helen's money (as in, go on the public waiting list). If nothing else, it'd be nice to get something back out of the tax we've paid over the years.

We've looked at our finances, and although we originally thought we'd pay for a private cycle this year, adding up all the expenses we've had of late, and a few that are coming up, things don't look quite so positive (what are the odds that both our cars would need new cam belts at the same time??). Not to mention that we'd based our original budget on conventional IVF, not ICSI. That's an extra couple of thousand all by itself.

We feel that what we will go through will be stressful enough - it doesn't matter how positive an attitude you have, it's still stressful. Financial stress is one thing we can take out of the equation, at least initially, so we have. Don't forget - just because we're doing IVF, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to work first pop. If the two government funded cycles go belly up, it all comes out of our pocket from there on in.

Plus, there's no rush now is there? A year won't make any difference to our fertility. None at all. If anything, we can take steps to improve it via (I can't believe I am going to say this) natural health methods. I'm 28, Al is 29. We are, fertility aside (we got a 70 on the scoring for public funding, without even counting my endo (the specialist didn't know how many points it counted for, so left it off!!). The threshold is 65*), the picture of health. The pressure before was the endless months of TTC, of getting nowhere, the stress of being an infertile couple with no plan of action. There's no rush.

Looking forward, we also want to have a savings cushion, for, thinking positively, when are are pregnant and we're on a single income. In case we decide I will be a stay at home mum, in case Al wants to come off night shift, or has to (this is a very real possibility due to changes taking place currently with Air NZ), in which case, the income change we face is very significant. Lots of things. Plus, there's no rush. We can still finish our family in good time.

One good thing though, is that through the public system we are assigned to Fertility Plus (F+), not Fertility Associates (FA), the clinic we have been dealing with to date. F+ is our second choice for treatment provider, but it appears at this stage that as it is also everyone else's second choice, their waiting list is a little shorter. I'd rather be with FA, but, as a friend said to me the other day, can there really be that much in it? She's right. I doubt it.

We haven't considered our cut off point - how far we will take this if the IVF cycles are a bust. We can't consider that at this point. It completely goes against my desire to keep a positive attitude to give it thought. I'm realistic that IVF may not be successful, there's a 50/50 chance after all, but for now? I'm not thinking any further than that first cycle, and the 50% chance that it will work.

Lastly, there are so many people out there worse off than us. IVF is a pretty huge deal, and my Mum keeps urging me not to gloss over it because eventually, it will catch up with me. But, I think of those other people for whom just having to deal with an IVF cycle would be a blessing. In January, a friend from way back was killed in a horse riding accident. She'd only been married a few weeks, and the horse that killed her was a gift from her husband. The horse had behavioural problems, but being the girl she was, she loved it dearly and refused to give up on it. She was the coolest girl, and it is a tragedy in so many senses of the word. Her husband is dealing with something so much worse than what Al and I are. I think of people like him, of them, to keep my perspective.


* http://www.fertilityassociates.co.nz/services13.asp