I'm having one of those weeks. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Work has been tough, life has been tough. Being in that state of mind leaves you open to thinking about and dwelling on things you shouldn't.
Something that bothers me immensely in relation to having a baby, and has done for some time, is what happens if I have been through so much and waited so long that I won't want the baby if we manage to have one?
What happens if wanting the baby so much is because we can't have one?
What happens if actually getting the baby is going to be the point where I say Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did this have to be so hard for us? Why did we have to suffer so much to get this baby?
I worry that I'm going to look at that child, and equate it to everything we've been through. The ups and terrible, more frequent downs. I worry that this will somehow never be over, even when it is ... if you follow what I mean.
This is one of my biggest fears because I don't have any problem imagining it happening. That possibility is so awful.
Then again, on the flip side, a couple of days ago my little neighbour made a green playdough Jess dog and in moments like that, it reminds me what this is all about and keeps me going.
1 comment:
Simone, I will put money on it, serious money, that you will be a normal feisty ridiculously protective and loving tigress woman when your own baby arrives (and when it is en route!).
I remember holding 16 mth old Katie in my arms when i was pregnant with Emily, and worrying that I wouldn't be able to love Emily as much as I did Katie already, because that love filled every corner of me. Well, that was a totally irrational fear. Emily just made that loving potential expand, as did Chels, and now Amelia!
Emily's death, and the miscarriages after Chels made the three surviving girls so much more valuable, in that every day of their lives is something I am unbelievably grateful for. I wouldn't wish the pain or grief on anyone, but having children has far outweighed the negative stuff.
And by loving I don't mean the more idealistic image of the chocolate box mummy, that might be harder to attain, but the visceral, flesh and blood attachment that you would kill for if threatened is a right of all mothers.
The way you are such a big loving nut already with your dogs and cat and Al is merely an indicator of what you will be like with a baby.
That baby (or babies) will be more precious to you than you can imagine, and all the pain will be worth it, regardless.
Fingers, eyes, swords crossed for the next few months!
xxx
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