Isn't it funny ...

I don't think, before yesterday, I truly appreciated the difference between surprise and shock.

I told you that I wouldn't be surprised to be told by Dr. G that our only option was IVF, and I wasn't. Yet, when the words came out of his mouth I was still shocked. For just a second, while it settled, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I suppose I must be honest and say that it wasn't so much the IVF verdict. What I actually wasn't expecting was to be told that our only treatment option is ICSI* (which stands for Ahhhh ... shite if you're wondering). As in, it's a waste of time and money trying conventional IVF as it probably wouldn't be successful. Suddenly I'd gone from hoping (more than I was letting on) that IUI might work for us, to hurtling headlong into the big leagues of IVF. It's the big leagues in every sense of the word too ... the science, the money, even the name is bigger!

I think the thing which frightens me about ICSI is that there is nowhere to go from it. It's the pinnacle of assisted reproduction, where the baby you're going to get from treatment, is your own. You start on Clomophine and it doesn't work? Try IUI. You do IUI and it bombs? There's still IVF. You do conventional IVF and things don't go well? Congratulations! You've graduated to ICSI. But we're starting at the top. ICSI is our very first step. It'd drive you to distraction if you let it. This whole thing would.

I refuse to mope though. It is what it is. There are people who are worse off than us. At least we have an option, and the chance of success is high, so we have that to be thankful for. That's not to say that if I hear 'it only takes one' or 'just relax' I'm not going to punch you, but, you know.

The next decision we have to make is in relation to our treatment provider and course of action from here. That's harder than it sounds, though the temptation to just slap down my credit card yesterday was enormous. Where we thought we may be close to the end of all this, it's only just beginning really.

I told Al last night that I'm going to buy a new outfit for egg retrieval and embryo transfer day, when they come (I'll explain the psychology of that another day). He, bless him, said this ...

"What? Like crotchless knickers?"

Sigh.

I suppose they would be practical.


* http://www.fertilityassociates.co.nz/services3.asp